Captain Neckbeard vs Interpol
by Patbert
Summary: Captain Neckbeard is a ruthless pirate with a passion for high tech piracy on the high seas. Charles Gull, the Interpol Secretary General gains superpowers, goes mad and tries to destroy the world. Can Neckbeard stop him in time, meanwhile battling Greenpeace who tries to stop his whaling practices? Contains drug use and space lasers.
1. Chapter 1

Meredith was a whale. All her life, she had been around her family and friends. They were the best friends that a huge fish could wish for. The pack of whales had been all over the world and had seen a lot of things. Meredith was particularly fond of exploring shipwrecks. She didn't know much about humans, but she loved to imagine what they were like from the clues they left behind in their wrecked boats. Her favorite find had been a gold tiara with a sparkly red stone in front. She imagined that it had belonged to a princess at one time.

Meredith would think of the most wonderful stories about humans. Sometimes they were families crossing the oceans to go on great adventures to see long-lost loved ones or soldiers sailing to fight evil megalomaniacs. Sometimes Meredith wished that she was a human. Her life was nice, but she had acquired a taste for the life above the sea. The best parts of her days were going up to the surface for air. Sometimes, she would even see a ship when she surfaced! She would follow it as long as she could, eternally curious.

One day, Meredith had come up for air and had seen the most beautiful ship she had ever seen. It looked similar to some of the Spanish vessels she had seen on the sea floor, but it was a smooth and shiny silver. There were spots along the railing that shone red light out into the sea, and sails that seemed to stretch up into the sky forever.

Meredith was intrigued. She floated there on the surface just staring at the magnificent ship, trying to picture the kind of people that were aboard. Movement on deck near the front of the ship caught her eye. It was a man running to the edge, jumping and waving. Meredith rolled onto her side and stuck her right flipper out of the water so she could wave back. Smiling, she wiggled her flipper at the man as best she could. She had a bit of extra weight, and though it slowed her down a little, the other whales thought she was very pretty.

Suddenly, she stopped waving. Something was wrong. There was a strange feeling in her stomach. This was bad. She looked down and saw a polished silver rod sticking out of her. It was attached to a rope, which was itself attached to the boat next to the man. As blood poured from the wound and her lips parted in an expression of shock, she looked at the man in disbelief.

Jenkins loved whales that waved back. They were so easy to hunt.

Meredith could feel herself being pulled toward the ship. A metallic sound rang out as the front of the boat began to open like a giant mouth. A grinding hum could be heard from inside. A single tear fell down her cheek as Meredith dropped her tiara.


	2. Chapter 2

Jenkins looked down at the whale with a sigh. Despite being in his 14th year on the whaling ship Anubis, this part never got any easier. He had already reached his maximum efficiency. He was one of the few true masters of whaling left in the world. He had earned his 10th degree black belt in whaling several years back, but never took any students.

Over the years, Jenkins had started to identify with the whales. They were both travelers on the vast ocean, the outer space of the sea. They both travelled in small groups, moving through the water and consuming other life forms to continue their voyage. They had their differences though. Jenkins was a pirate. The whole boat was full of pirates. Jenkins was the first mate.

Normally, the first mate wouldn't be responsible for whaling, but Jenkins happened to be in the right place at the right time, and he wouldn't let a whale get away on his watch. They never ate the whales. The boat ran on whale oil, and there was nothing better than fresh squeezed. Like the Native Americans with buffalo, they used every part of the whale. The blood was used to attract sharks, which they ate, and the bones were ground up and used in their blunderbusses.

Just as the ships gigantic metal mouth clanged shut, Jenkins' attention was turned to the port side of the ship. The lookout in the crow's nest had spotted another ship. The Anubis banked to the left and took chase. As they approached, details of the ship became clearer. It was a high-end yacht with loud music, dancing, and video cameras. They were probably shooting a music video.

The loud music masked the Anubis' approach as the fading daylight began to conceal both ships in darkness. The hulls rammed together, throwing the dancers and cameramen to the ground. Screams filled the air as the pirates boarded the yacht. After a violent attack and an easy robbery, the smaller boat was devoid of non-pirate life. The sea-bandits carried their new treasure back to their ship and shoved off.

The captain, who had been watching from the ship's bridge, walked out onto the balcony overlooking the deck.

"A fine raid, my boys!" shouted Neckbeard the Pirate, raising his hands. The crew cheered and applauded their captain.

Neckbeard reached into his coat and drew forth a tablet computer. While the men were raiding the yacht, he had been entering coordinates which had been sent to his satellite.

"Ready, men?" he called to his crew. His question was met with enthusiastic cheering.

He turned to his first mate. "Mute Jenkins, would you like to do the honors this time?"

Jenkins nodded silently, walked up to the captain, and accepted the tablet. He pressed a red button, and the crew all turned their gazes to the yacht. The evening sky grew bright and a blinding beam of burning white light shot down from the heavens. The smaller boat erupted into flames. The fire quickly found the gas tank, and the boat exploded in a fireball that rocked the night air. The crew never tired of this.


	3. Chapter 3

A thousand miles away, in California, a bald man ordered a glass of unusually stiff scotch in a bar. He received his drink and thanked the bartender, distractedly staring through him into the space far behind. The bald man was Interpol Secretary General, Charles Gull. He was about to go to sea to investigate reports of piracy in the northern Pacific.

Charles loved being at sea, but undocking always made him uneasy. The love of his life had been swept overboard during a boat launch when a ship flying a pirate flag sped past her boat and created a huge wave. He had been at sea at the time, unable to save her. This seemed especially poignant today, given his mission to investigate piracy on the high seas. The official report of her death stated that she had sunk to the bottom and drowned. No body had been recovered because no one at the scene had been wearing their swim suit.

Her parents had named her Nautilus, due partly to their own love of the sea and partly because of their love of Captain Nemo's famous submarine. She hadn't particularly taken to the name, and instead went by Nautalie, which made everyone happy. She and Charles had married as soon as they could, on her 18th birthday, and had been madly in love until the tragic accident several years later. Every year, on her birthday, Charles threw a bouquet of flowers into the ocean.

Their wedding had been beautiful. Their friends and families had come to celebrate, dressed in deep blues and greens. Ted, his best man, had given a lovely speech to accompany his toast. Nautalie, still too young for champagne, had been poured a champagne glass full of heroin. Charles was older, but joined her in drinking heroin anyway, rather than the traditional bubbly wine. Just as many couples have a song, heroin became their drink.

Remembering that he was miserable, he shook off the memory. He downed the rest of his scotch, paid his bill, and stumbled out of the bar. On his way to the dock, he removed a 12 oz. can of heroin from his handbag, popped the top, and began to drink the sweet familiar liquid. He missed her with all his heart.

Upon reaching the crowded dock, he fell to his knees and looked out at the ocean and screamed, "Sweet vengeful Poseidon! Spare us today the horrible wrath of your icy clutches!" He threw a bouquet of daffodils into the water.

His crew applauded, and everyone went on board. Charles went deep inside the boat before they shoved away from the shore. He wouldn't be swept overboard today.

Minutes later, they were speeding out into the vast blue ocean in search of pirates.


End file.
